My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
