i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
