I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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