I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Houston, we have a squirter
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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