I wish I could punch you in the face.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
