I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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