and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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