I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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