Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
