alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Never joke about your clitoris.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
