i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
