If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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