Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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