I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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