i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
