Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
