Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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