I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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