woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
