Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
