We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
