chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
