She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
