I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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