I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Randomize
