i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
