i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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