Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
