I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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