i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
