She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Randomize
