The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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