This is not my ceiling
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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