I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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