Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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