to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
