just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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