Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
