My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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