Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
