I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
