my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize