If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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