between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I need to wash the frat house off of me
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
