just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize