I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
