I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
