So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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