Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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