Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
