when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
