They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
