I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
