Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
