Swine flu. Run for my life!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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