my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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